Southern English, Humor

From a friend:
"A little Suthen huma fo ya....
The Atlanta School Board is designating Southern slang, or
"Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern 
schools.
Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun.  Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
           Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
      Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is        
         Hot-lanta.
         Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
        Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and
        I ain't herd from him in munts."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
      Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all     
      in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
       Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words
       and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
       Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do
       hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
         Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
         Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms
         are tarred."
ARE - pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate        
     adjective.
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
       Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
       Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be
       from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
      Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
      Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
          Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
           Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job 
           with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
       Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
         Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."