Christmas Party

December 1st
TO: - ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December
23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: - ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
(though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: - ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be
allowed since the union members feel that
$10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: - ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet and pregnant women closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the
gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there
will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: - ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended
by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no
evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
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December 10th
TO: - ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!!
We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit
whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you
put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including
hydroponic tomatoes.  But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive
drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
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December 14th
TO: - ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
MARK SPEROS, Director
Broker Division

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