Sing The Blues

How To Sing The Blues in 20 Easy  Lessons:
1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this  mornin'..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
somethin' nasty in the nex' line like, "I got a  good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple.  After you get the first line right, repeat it. 
Then find somethin' that  rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yeah, I  got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is NOT about  choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.
5.  Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.  Most Blues
transportation is a  Greyhound bus or a southboun' train. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor  pools ain't even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues  lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They  ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood"  means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in  Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or  any place in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are good  places to have
the Blues.  New  Orleans, Memphis, Greenwood, Mobile and Statesboro are
even better places to  have the Blues cause that's where Blues was born.
Actually, a dirt farm in the  Mississippi delta is the best possible place
to have the Blues.  You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get 
rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
all wrong. Go outside to the parkin' lot or sit down by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
         a. highway
         b. jailhouse
         c. empty bed
         d. bottom of a whiskey glass
         Bad places for the Blues:
         a. Nordstrom's
         b. gallery openings
         c. Ivy League institutions
         d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,'lessn you happen
to be an ol' ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes,if:
         a. you older than dirt
         b. you blind
         c. you shot a man in Memphis
         d. you can't be satisfied
         No,if:
         a. you have all your teeth
         b. you were once blind but now can see
         c. the man in Memphis lived
         d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.
14. If you  ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues.       Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
         a. cheap wine
         b. whiskey or bourbon
         c. muddy water
         d. nasty black coffee
         The following  are NOT Blues beverages:
         a. Perrier
         b. Chardonnay
         c. Snapple
         d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the 'lectric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down
cot.  You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
         a. Sadie
         b. Big Mama
         c. Bessie
         d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
         a. Joe
         b. Willie
         c. Little Willie
         d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
        a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
        b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,(etc.)
        c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
       
         For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
 Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you
cannot sing the blues.

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