Rules to Live By - #2
- 1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
- 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
- 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
- 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
- 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
- 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- 7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
- 9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
- 10.Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
- 11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
- 12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
- 13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
- 14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
- 15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
- 16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
- 17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
(-Back to home page-)