Airline Humor

Subject: Famous Airline Words
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been heard or reported:
******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out off this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella.  WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee:  "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite.
******
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."
******
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks   the overhead
area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault...it was the asphalt!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing:  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"  The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US
Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the
flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"

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