Jewish Jokes

5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? "Is Any
thing all right? "

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance
to anybody.

Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman;
walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the
car 5 miles back. " Sam replies, "Thank God for that. . . I thought 'd
gone deaf! "

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won,
let's eat, "

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the
street and said, "lady, I haven't eaten in three days. " "Force
yourself, " she replied.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a
wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is
Shooting Star. " "How nice, " says his mother. "I have an Indian name
too, " he says. "It's Running Water and you have to call me that from
now on. " "How nice, " says his mother. "You have to have an Indian name
too, Mom, " he says. "I already do, " says the mother. "Just call me
Sitting Shiva. "

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you? " "Not too good, "
says the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son says, "Why are you so
weak? " She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. " The man says,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother
answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you
should call. "

Jewish view on when life begins: There's a big controversy on when life
begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until
after it graduates from medical school.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given
a part in the school play. Wonderful. What part is it? " The boy says,
"I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says,
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part. "

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying - Details to follow. "

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