Deep Thoughts (humor) and Clinton (Commentary)

Just a few deep thoughts for 1999 by Steven Wright (comedian)

1.  A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is
    where a train stops.  At my workplace, my desk is
    considered a work station...
2.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call
    it Fed UP?
3.  If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what
    fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
4.  Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
5.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses
    of bald men?
6.  I was thinking that women should put pictures of
    missing husbands on beer cans.
7.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the
    Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then it
    dawned on me - they're cramming for their finals.
8.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
    little tiny spoons and forks.  So I wonder what
    Chinese mothers use -- Toothpicks?
9.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
    Post Office?  What are we supposed to do . . .
    write to these men?   Why don't they just put
    their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
    could look for them while they're delivering the mail?
10.  How much deeper would oceans be if sponges
      didn't live there?
11.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then
      what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
12.  Clones are people two (II?).
13.  If a man says something in the woods and there
      are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
14.  Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that
      everything will turn out OK.
15.  If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
      to be vague.
16.  Ever wonder what the speed of lightning
       would be if it didn't zigzag?
17.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
18.  Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
19.  If a person with multiple personalities threatens
      suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
20.  If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
21.  I went for a walk last night and my kids asked
      me how long I'd be  gone. I responded,
      "The whole time."
22.  So what's the speed of dark?
23.  How come you don't ever hear about gruntled
      employees? And who has been dicing them anyhow?
24.  After eating, do amphibians need to wait an
       hour before getting OUT of the water?
25.  Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured
       cat food?
26.  If you're sending someone some Styrofoam,
       what do you pack it in?
27.  I just got skylights put in my place. The people
       who live above me are furious.
28.  Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
29.  Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns
       because they taste funny?
30.  Isn't Disney World a people trap operated
       by a mouse?
31.  Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"
       o have an "s" in it?
32.  Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that
       why some people  appear bright until you hear
       them speak?
33.  How come abbreviated is such a long word?
34.  If it's zero degrees outside today and it's
       supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
       how cold is it going to be?
35.  Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
       do Asians throw hamburgers?
36.  If olive oil comes from olives, where does
       baby oil come from?
Memorable Clinton Quotes
    (Hillary probably helped write them...)
"If a President of the United States ever lied
to the American people, he should resign."
- Bill Clinton July, 1974
" the purpose of government is to reign in
the rights of the people"
-- Bill Clinton during an interview on MTV in 1993
"You know the one thing that's wrong with this
country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."
- Bill Clinton, May 29, 1993, The White House
"We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve
the rights of ordinary Americans . . . ."
-- William J. Clinton, USA Today, March 11, 1993
"The road to tyranny, we must remember, begins
with the destruction of the truth."
-- Bill Clinton from a speech at the University of
Connecticut, Oct 15, 1997.
"You can't say you love your country and hate
your government."
- Bill Clinton, 1995 (After the OKC bombing)
"A lot of wonderful people love their country
and hate the military."
- Bill Clinton, 1969 (Letter to the National Guard)
"The other thing we have to do is to take seriously
the role in this problem of...older men who prey on
underage women...There are consequences to
decisions way or the other, people always
wind up being held accountable."
-- Bill Clinton, June 13, 1996, in a speech endorsing
a national effort against teen pregnancy.

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