As Asphalt Landing

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact
a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area.  Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your
belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of  them
are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City:  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants' was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome  to
Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."
>From a Southwest Airlines employee....  "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know  how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide
now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot,
"what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silence, we'll open the door and you can pick your way  through
the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at USAirways."

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