• 1 I used to eat a lot of natural foods; until I learned most people die of natural causes.
  • 2 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  • 3 Life is sexually transmitted.
  • 4 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • 5 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • 6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • 7 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  • 8 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • 9 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • 10 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • 11 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • 12 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
  • 13 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • 14 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • 15 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • 16 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  • 17 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • 18 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  • 19 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

This page created and maintained by Dave Palmer

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