• 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
  • Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
  • 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  • 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  • 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  • 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  • 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
  • 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
  • 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
  • You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
  • If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
  • If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.
  • 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
  • 11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
  • 12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

This page created and maintained by Dave Palmer

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