HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):     

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.  
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 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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 The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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 The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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 To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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 When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
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 The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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 A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.  He became a hardened criminal.
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Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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 We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
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 When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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 The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.  He did a number on it.
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 The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
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 The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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 If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
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 A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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 A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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A will, is a dead giveaway.
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 Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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 A backward poet writes inverse.
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 In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
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 If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
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 With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
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 Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
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 When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
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 A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
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 You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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 Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
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 He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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 A calendar's days are numbered.
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 A lot of money is tainted:
'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
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A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
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 He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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 A plateau, is a high form of flattery.
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 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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 When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
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 If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
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 When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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 Santa's helpers, are subordinate clauses.
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Acupuncture: a jab well done.  
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This page created and maintained by Dave Palmer

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