A Bunch of Humor

Top 50 Oxymorons...

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organisation
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
Extinct life
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
New classic
Temporary tax increase
French bravery
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance


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G.A.S.H.

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the world is that?"

"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of- factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door
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"Service"

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service": The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service."

This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

That's when it all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!
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Murphy's Other Laws

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church", the younger doctor told her.

"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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The elderly priest, speaking to the young priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church now fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are now packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL,' can't stay on the church roof.

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21 Reasons the English Language is Hard to Learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back.

There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"


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